When my husband died, I remember one of my granddaughters coming up to me and saying “tutu, you are so strong”. Other family members would say “oh you will get through it because you are such a strong person.” So night after night I sat alone after everyone had gone home trying to be “strong” until I collapsed under all the strength I had been trying to hold on to and accumulate.
Sure, I prayed, I meditated, I tried to busy myself but my foundation was eroding underneath me and feeding my despair until I got to the point that I wanted life to stop so I could get off. This was the moment when I stopped growing and it was me who was dying from piles and piles of emotion that I had held onto for “strength”.
I communicated through a psychic with my husband on the other side hoping to break the cycle of my hoarding of emotions. He said “Go outside in nature to heal, you are stuck in a tomb that you have made for yourself. Look for renewal for your body, mind and spirit. In nature you will find the stillness of reverence not loneliness and where your body and mind are no longer in pain. You need to leave the tomb you are in so that you are able to breath again. I died but I am alive, you are alive but you are dead”. Whoa did that hit me like a ton of bricks to hear from my dead husband that it was really I who was dead and not him. Hmmm quite a paradox that I had not expected.
I thought long and hard about who was really worse off him or me (thinking that being dead wasn’t all it was cracked up to be) so I asked for his perspective. He said “Oh Lori, it is understandable the difficulty in where you are, it is much harder there (earth) , there are so many emotions that you must work through, the sense of loss is not the same. Nothing “here” is as deep as the human heart and the pain and suffering that occurs. “Here” there are only vibrations moving between us so the sense of aloneness is different for you than me.” So that was the difference in death and life huh? I stay stuck with this human heart that plays havoc with me while he gets rid of his and goes into bliss !
So now I take a different view of my heart now. I see it as a temporary storage place for emotions and feelings. If negative emotions stay in my heart space storage too long they become pain and suffering. If I let them stay any longer than that I become a hoarder and there is no more room to grow, things start to rot and my life energy starts to fade So, what are you holding on to? What would your heart look like if someone from one of those hoarder TV shows knocks on your door delivering a dumpster? Visit your heart space, take a look around and dump whatever no longer serves you and give yourself some room to grow.
With loving thoughts from the other side of grief.