In my over 50 years I have spent more time with footsteps on the volcanic soil of Central America than on the varied soils of the U.S.A. Choices took me to El Salvador over 28 years ago but now I am back in the states after much personal struggle. When I decided to move it was all about being safe and when I got off the plane with my trusted cat Footsie slung over my shoulder I had a not so invisible sign on my forehead marked “PTSD” (Post traumatic stress disorder).
In El Salvador I was extorsioned by corrupt politicians and my life was threatened by gangs. The lingering post traumatic stress disorder that had been percolating over the many years of living there was a pilot light waiting to be sparked by these final events that led to my departure. After the fire started, I feared everything and everybody and it was life in misery with no company but the incessant mind that was convincing me over and over that I had everything to fear. When I arrived here in the beginning I was relieved as it felt safe to be in the United States.
There is a system of balance here, although I feel an energetic tightrope at times there is at least an attempt in trying to even out the application of rules and regulations for the better of most of the people. Democracy is a precarious place to govern from, trying to determine what is right for EVERYONE and dividing up the bundle of taxes received to invest in the highest good but here it works more or less and although there are exceptions people trust the system and it is safe.
I had spent almost three years trying to decide where I was going to relocate as I could no longer live in a place that was a feeding frenzy of fears since El Salvador could no longer protect me or anyone else who lives there. My first adventure on finding “home” was a stay in Sedona. Upon arrival I went to the grocery store and found myself looking constantly over my shoulder and then the explosion of fear was back when a man entered my personal space to bend over next to my cart for a bottle of salsa. At that moment I realized that feeling safe was a state of being, not a place. I returned to my vacation rental and stared at my unpacked carry on and realized that my trauma had been safely transported and wheeled behind me to my new destination.
I sat on the edge of someone else’s bed and dropped my forehead into the palms of my hands and knew that moving would not heal me and that I was way beyond vulnerable and it would take a deeper approach to tame PTSD. Yes, it was frustrating to realize that after arriving from my journey the real journey began. I sought support from a dedicated group of people to heal myself but I knew deep down inside it would be me who would do the hard labor.
Internally, my first step was to take charge of the voice that manipulated my thoughts from a place of fear infested memory cells that were in control. I set up a clear system of rules and regulations in which to govern my thoughts. I breathed in a million breathes of positive thoughts through silent meditation to irrigate the cellular system that was contaminated with fear. I stopped worrying about others and focused entirely on me, I knew my survival as a human “being” depended on it. I did what was right for me with the knowing that if I was healthy all the people that would remain in my life would be healthy too.
I no longer received muddled legislation from my mind that I unconsciously implemented into truths. I created a system of spiritual warriors that became my security detail from all directions and when my governing body was in place and I had paid all of my dues to fear I was ready to receive because I trusted in the system I had created. The rules became boundaries and the fear became faith, faith in knowing that abundance and peace was all around me however aligning myself to the energies that were there for the taking at times became a moving target and an elusive endeavor.
There were setbacks as just when the gift of peace with PTSD was at my fingertips, my mind would pull the trigger and fear would blast into my internal grids and spark and fly through the dwindling cellular memory and reignite it again. Time and again I doused the flames through quiet mediation and reprogramming until I finally realized that I controlled seconds of breath not hours of worry that created days of fear.
On a beautiful spring day when everything was coming out of its winter dormancy I woke up and put my feet on the floor and realized that I had won the battle because I gave up and I surrendered to all thoughts of fear. I feared nothing, absolutely nothing and achieved the ultimate prize of not fearing my own death. The door to life was wide open and ready for the business of embracing it because I trusted the universe again. I was in the loving arms of spirit and out of the wreckage and I was truly safe. The war with PTSD was a lesson in surrender and I was free.
If you are struggling with issues of PTSD and need spiritual support I am available for sessions.